being real

i am all alone tonight, which is kinda nice since i have had so many children this week. i do enjoy the kids, i am just tired and thankful that i only have to worry about myself tonight :)

it's been a tough week, there has been so many tears :( i am missing doug so much. i have had a couple of dreams about him which have been nice, but then i wake up and the reality hits me that i will never get to see him or have him hold me, or talk to him again in this life. makes me long for heaven to be with him again. i can't imagine what it is like for people who do not have the assurance of Heaven being a real place that is my destination someday.

i try not to let too many things bother me, but that's kind of useless since the strangest things or comments will bring the tears. sheila had a good idea the other day, she said cry really hard for 30 seconds then it will be over. ha! if only it were that simple we all would be doing that!

you would think it would be getting easier and in some ways it is, but then in some ways it's way harder, and unless you have been through this you can't make anyone understand. i have commented that i am not liking my new life, as a widow i mean. strangest part is coming home from some where, alone. there are times i will decline invitations because of coming home alone.

i am super tired and in a strange mood tonight, must be from the 'life' i am living. the thought hit me the other day that my focus has been too much on myself and not on Jesus, the One who died for me and the One who loves me the most. He sees each tear and knows each heartache, if i take the time to talk with Him it's easier, because i don't have to explain, He just lets me cry, and He loves me anyway. He is walking with me each step of the way and i know that a lot of times there is only one set of footprints because indeed He is carrying me.

i am thankful that doug is with Jesus, seeing sights i can only imagine, hearing music like we here on earth have never heard, that he is not in pain anymore and he is anxiously waiting for loved ones to join him. there are so many times, i will hear something and think i can't wait to tell doug . . . i wonder if he sees our joys and our happy times? i know the bible says we are 'surrounded by a great cloud of witnesses' who are urging us on as we run this race of faith. doug's faith is sight now, no more need for faith when he sees Jesus face to face. oh how i long for that. till that day i will deep pressing on, keep running this race that is marked out before me, and trusting and relying on Jesus each moment of every day.

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